


Attack of the Killer Fangirl

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26218561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: by Flaming Red OraclePoor Frodo comes face to face with his worst nightmare-ME! That's right, it's MY turn to terrorize the cute munch kin!
Kudos: 1
Collections: Least Expected





	Attack of the Killer Fangirl

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Story Notes: Read this hilarious fic and prepare to laugh your butt off! Trust me, you'll love it!
> 
> Warnings: None--unless you count lots of insanity and Frodo harassment! Poor little guy, I'm just so cruel to him! (Heehee!) evil grin
> 
> Disclaimer: As always, I do not own these characters because I'm not Tolkien! So please no suing, thank you.
> 
> Rating: "G" Believe it or not, it's actually suitable for everyone. (Yeah, imagine that!)

ATTACK OF THE KILLER FANGIRL

written by

[and starring "Yours Truly"]

Flaming Red Oracle

It was a quiet, pleasant afternoon at Bag End, and little Frodo Baggins had just finished pouring himself a cup of hot, herbal tea. He sat down in his favorite, cozy chair and took a tiny nibble out of a delicious tea biscuit.

All was well with the world on such a glorious, spring day. Especially now that the whole awful mess with that damn ring was over with--thank God! That ring was nothing but a thorn in the hobbit's furry butt since day one! It was driving the poor little guy bonkers; not to mention the fact it tried to kill him on several occasions--which just plain sucked! It felt good to finally get rid of it. [Although, getting to keep his finger would have been nice, too!]

"Ah," sighed Frodo contentedly, "now this is the life." He laid his head back in his comfortable chair and propped his big, hairy feet upon a wooden footstool. Just as he started to relax, there came a loud knock at the door. He perked his head up, then gently placed his tea biscuit down on a round saucer. "Hmm," he pondered. "I wonder who that could be?" Reluctantly, he rose from his chair and strolled over to the front door. "Yes? Who is it?" he asked.

There came no answer, only another shrewd knock.

Frodo was perplexed. After being labeled as the town fruitcake, he wasn't used to having visitors! He shrugged his shoulders and slowly opened the door. He peeked through the wide crack and was startled to see a young, ravishingly-beautiful...um...incredibly attractive [Okay, fine! Slightly cute!] woman standing on his doorstep.

The unfamiliar woman had a tiny, round face; long, light-brown hair; hazel eyes; and a slender figure. [No, seriously, I really am thin! No joke!] She was dressed in a sexy, low-cut shirt; tight, leather pants; and black, high-heeled boots. She was--without a doubt--the hottest babe to ever hit Middle-Earth! [Oh, hush! This is my fic and I'm telling it my way, so keep your comments to yourself! Now, back to the story.] "Why, hello, handsome," she said, with a sly grin.

Frodo just stood there, dumb struck and speechless, with his mouth open like a cod fish. He sure didn't expect this when he got out of bed this morning!

"Can I come in?" the young woman asked, in a soft, sultry voice. She strutted past the awestruck hobbit with her hands on her hips.

"Um...excuse me, but, who are you?" asked Frodo.

The girl turned and replied, "Well, my real name is Teri, but you can call me Flaming Red Oracle."

"Flaming Red Oracle?" Frodo exclaimed. "That's your nickname? You're kidding."

"Well, actually, Flaming Red Oracle is not my nickname. It's my author's pen-name, I'm a writer. I like to write fanfics."

"Fanfics?" Frodo curiously scratched his curly-topped head and rubbed his chin in deep thought."Fanfics? Flaming Red Oracle?" For some strange reason, that name sounded awfully familiar. "Now where have I heard that name before?"

Teri stared at the hobbit, as quiet as a mouse.

Then, a memory instantly clicked in Frodo's brain. "Hey...wait a second...I know who you are!"

"You do?" said Teri, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah!" Frodo exclaimed angrily. "I remember now. You're one of those crazy, perverted fanfic authors dedicated to dragging my good name through the mud!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me!" he snapped. "I remember reading a couple of your trashy stories--and let me tell you something--I don't appreciate you including me in your smutty fantasies! Not one tiny bit! You fanfic writers have ruined my reputation!"

"Oh, really?" Teri replied. "How so?"

Frodo placed his hands on his hips. "Well, to start with, you had me brutally tortured by an orc! Plus, you also turned my best friend in the whole world--Sam Gamgee--against me and made him my enemy, which was not a very nice thing to do in the first place!" His small, round face turned beet-red with fury, his nostrils flared. "And if that wasn't bad enough," he continued sourly, "you had me raped by Aragorn! Yeah, right--like that ever happened!" He folded his arms across his chest. "What's next? A stupid fic about me having Aragorn's baby?"

Teri thought for a moment. "Say...that's not such a bad idea. I'll have to keep that one in mind."

Frodo's jaw dropped to the floor. "FORGET IT!" he shouted, at the top of his lungs. "I REFUSE TO HAVE ARAGORN'S BABY!"

"Oh, come on," said the young girl, "you two make such a cute couple."

"What? Are you insane?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"NO!" snapped Frodo. He was quickly losing his patience with the loony guest. "What is wrong with you fanfic people? Why are you always torturing and slandering us poor characters in your twisted stories? You should be ashamed of yourselves!" he scolded.

"Yeah, well, what we should be and what we are are two totally different things," Teri wittily replied, with a broad, Chesire grin.

Now Frodo was really pissed! "I don't believe you! Could you possibly be anymore crude?"

"I dunno," Teri shrugged. "But I could give it a try."

Frodo wanted to pull his dark, curly hair out by the roots! "You fanfic people are really sick in the head, do you know that?"

"Yeah...but thanks anyway for the compliment. Good feedback is always appreciated!"

"What exactly do you want?" demanded Frodo.

"What do I want?" A devilish grin flashed across the fangirl's face; one could almost see a pair of horns sticking out of the top of her head! "Why, I want you, of course!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"That's right--you sexy, little hunk--I want you!" Teri's pupils grew into big, red hearts, as an excessive amount of nasty drool began to dribble from the corners of her mouth. [Yuck!]

"Eew, gross!" Frodo exclaimed. The sight of the young woman drooling puddles all over his freshly-swept floor, made the hobbit ill to his stomach. "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"You ain't seen nothin' yet, cutie!" She blew the pint-sized midget an invisible kiss. "Just wait until I get my hands on you. I'm gonna tie you up, tear your clothes off, and spray whipped cream all over your scrumptious, little body!" She rubbed her hands together lustfully. "And then--once I'm through smothering you with whipped cream--I'm gonna eat you up!"

"OH NO!" shrieked Frodo.

"OH YES!" Teri quickly grabbed some rope [Which conveniently appeared out of nowhere--go figure!] and began chasing poor Frodo around the room.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Frodo squealed; running as fast as his short, furry legs could carry him. He ran as fast as he could, but was no match for the lusty madwoman!

After fifteen exhausting minutes of running around in circles, Teri managed to chase the hobbit down the hall and into his bedroom. [Whoopee!]

Poor Frodo was trapped like a rat in a cage! He gulped with dread, fearing that his end had finally come at last. Knowing there was no place else to run, he tightly shut his eyes and prayed that it would all be over soon. No such luck!

Teri pounced on Frodo from behind and wrestled him to the ground with all her might. [Which didn't take very long, since he was such a shrimp!] "HAHA!" she cried, pinning the helpless hobbit's arms to the floor. "NOW I'VE GOT YOU!"

"HELP!" Frodo hollered, struggling to no avail. "SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!"

Meanwhile, outside, Frodo's dearest companions--Sam, Merry, and Pippin--were casually strolling past Bag End on their way to go mushroom hunting and vegetable stealing [From Farmer Maggot's crops, of course!], when they suddenly heard a blood-curdling scream coming from inside the house. The three hobbits stopped in their tracks and glanced at one another.

"What in the world was that?" asked Sam, looking around for an explanation.

"I dunno," answered Merry. "But whatever it was, it sounded like it came from inside Frodo's bedroom."

"Frodo's bedroom?" Pippin responded, with burning curiosity. "What do you suppose it was?"

"Well, I say if it came from inside Mr. Frodo's house, we should definitely check it out," said Sam, with noble determination. "Far be it for Samwise Gamgee to just stand around while Mr. Frodo is in trouble!"

"You're absolutely right," Merry agreed.

"Yeah, let's go check it out!" smiled Pippin.

All three hobbits quickly ran over to Frodo's bedroom window and peeked in; luckily for them Frodo had his window curtains pulled open so they could see with a clear view. [Those peeping Toms! For shame!] As they peered through the glass, they were shocked at what they saw!

Inside, was a strange, young woman tying poor Frodo's arms and legs to the four bedposts of his bed with rope! [Heehee!] Frodo flopped his head helplessly from side to side, in a desperate attempt to avoid the crazy woman's attack of smothering, wet kisses.

"Oh my God!" squeaked Pippin, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"What the hell?" exclaimed Merry, his jaw dropping to the ground in total shock.

Sam glared angrily at the disturbing spectacle. "I don't believe it! Mr. Frodo has had a girlfriend all this time and never even bothered to tell me! And here I've been his servant and loyal best friend for years--that little turd!"

"Woohoo! Way to go Frodo!" cheered Merry, grinning from ear to ear. "Get it on!"

"It looks like she's about to ravish him, should we do something to try and stop her?" Pippin asked innocently.

"Are you nuts?" replied Merry. "Do you wanna spoil the mood? If Frodo is finally getting some action in his pathetic life, then I vote we leave him alone. After all, it's about time--for crying out loud!"

"That bastard!" growled Sam, feeling a rise of jealously. "I'll teach him to stab me in the back!" He turned to his two companions and ordered, "Come on, we're going in there and giving those two perverts a good tongue-lashing!"

"Uh...we are?" said Pippin.

"Yes!" Sam replied. He folded his arms angrily. "And after we give them a fierce scolding, we're gonna string them up by their toenails and hang them out to dry!" The plump hobbit was determined to teach his wayward, two-timing master a valuable lesson he'd never forget.

"Great!" Merry exclaimed. "That sounds like a lot of fun. Let's go!"

The three hobbits left the window and headed towards the front of the house.

Meanwhile, back inside the "Bedroom of Doom", Frodo was still pleading for mercy. "GET OFF OF ME!" he yelled. "STOP IT--YOU EVIL SHE-DEVIL!"

Teri just ignored him [Of course]. "Sorry, handsome, but flattery will get you nowhere! But if it's any consolation, you're even cuter when you're angry." She gave him a sexy wink.

Yup, Frodo was definitely in Hell! He could see his whole life flashing before his eyes. "I HATE YOU WICKED FANFIC PEOPLE--YOU'RE WORSE THAN SAURON!" He squirmed and grunted some more. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Teri raised an eyebrow. "So...what are you trying to say? Are you saying I'm not welcomed here?"

Just then--a loud POOF was heard, followed by a mysterious cloud of swirling smoke. It was none other than Frodo's most wise and trusted mentor, Gandalf! He had suddenly appeared from nowhere to pay his little hobbit pal an unexpected visit. [Imagine his surprise!] Dressed in his usual flowing, gray robe and pointed cone-hat, he glared at the shameful sight with strong disapproval. "What in the Shire's name is going on here?"

"Gandalf?" Teri exclaimed. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" he replied sternly. "What are you doing here? You don't even belong in Middle-Earth!"

"And your point is?"

Frodo looked up with grateful eyes. "Oh, Gandalf--thank God you're here!" he cried, sobbing like a baby. "You've got to help me, Gandalf! She's really crazy, and she wants to drown me in whipped cream!"

Teri was annoyed. "What do you want, old man?"

"Who are you calling 'old'?" Gandalf retorted resentfully. "I'll have you know that for a wizard who's been around as many centuries as I have, I look pretty good for my age!"

Teri rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever."

Just then--Sam, Merry, and Pippin barged through the front door and scrambled their way into Frodo's bedroom.

The young woman stared at the three new intruders. "Oh, great! Just what I need, an audience!" she snorted. "Don't you people ever knock?"

Sam was the first of the hobbits to speak out. "Who are you, woman, and just what do you think you're doing to Mr. Frodo?"

"Nothing much," Teri replied. "I'm just molesting him."

"Well, stop it!" Sam demanded. "Mr. Frodo is mine, and I'm not about to share him with anybody--especially not with you, you freak!" He turned his attention to Frodo. "And as for you, Mr. Frodo, you've got a lot of explaining to do! Like, for instance, when did you first meet this girl? And how long have you been seeing her behind my back?"

"What?" cried Frodo, flabbergasted. "Sam, what are you talking about?"

"Yeah, Frodo," Merry chimed in. "Just how long have you had a girlfriend, huh?"

Pippin, puzzled as ever, put his two cents in as well. "I don't understand, Frodo. How come you never mentioned to us that you had a girlfriend? How could you not tell your own best friends?"

Poor Frodo was on the verge of losing his mind. "She's NOT my girlfriend!" he shouted. "She's just some crazy fanfic author who's obsessed with me and wants to make me her love slave!"

"How preposterous!" blurted Gandalf. The old wizard had never heard of something so ridiculous in all his life! "That does it, I've had just about enough of this foolishness!" He raised his magical staff high in the air. "Be gone, foul woman, or I shall be forced to turn you into something even more unnatural than you already are!"

"Ooh, I know! Turn her into a slimy toad!" suggested Pippin.

"Do it and I'll give you all warts!" said Teri.

"This is your last chance to flee," warned Gandalf. "If you don't leave this house at once, I'll cast a hideous spell on you that will turn you into an orc!"

"Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going!" Teri huffed. "Geez, you guys are no fun!"

"Be gone!" Gandalf insisted once more. "You've got till I count to three. One...two..."

Teri jumped off Frodo and stomped towards the exit; pouting every step of the way. "Okay, I'm out of here! But before I go, I just wanna say one thing--YOU PEOPLE SUCK!" She stuck her tongue out and flipped them the bird!

Gandalf, Sam, Merry, and Pippin immediately chased her out of the room--abandoning helpless Frodo to wallow in bondage.

Frodo watched as his friends quickly disappeared from sight and panicked. "Wait! Where are you going?" he shouted. "Please come back--I'm still tied up here!"

Dead silence filled the empty room.

"SOMEBODY HEEEEEEELP!!!" he hollered. Alone and weary, the young hobbit stared hopelessly at the ceiling. "Why me?" he moaned miserably. "Why do these things always have to happen to me?" Frodo sighed heavily...it was going to be a very long night!


End file.
